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雷哥托福刘同学作文批改

2017-12-04 11:09:18 发布 来源:雷哥托福

What has been the focal spot of the The main public concern is that spend spending time at on work is more significant than spend spending time with family. That spending more time on work than with family has become the main concern of the public. 再写“一些人认为工作更重要”Personally, I do not support this argumentation argument for several reasons.

First and foremost, living in harmony with family members is beneficial to individuals health keeping. 可去掉It is not only for physical health, but also for mental caring. physically and mentally.In during the period of the 去掉children childrens growing up, growth for instance, father helps to build creativity and mother helps to right the view of childrens lives.?孩子的是三观?

Taking the relationship of parents and children as an example, children need support and guidance from their parents, but since parents work all and children spend most of the day at school, families spend very little time together. When we sink into the storm of busy work, we usually ignore the original objectives why we go to work. Spending time at work means that people could have a huge house, plenty of food, beautiful clothes and high quality life style, 高品质的生活方式?and all the stuff is provided for our families in order to to gain better lives. It is true that spend time at work is important one.

There are several individuals say that we need work hard and try to acquire high paid job now, then we could save up money for an abundant retirement 一个丰富的退休?and least much time to accompany our families. But things sometimes going go into a dramatically way we could never imagine. We are not sure whether our parents are on the world 。。。。。after we retired. Also, we do not know our children whether stay with us.

On the contrary, we could not afford the education for our children and many other resources of spend time at work and spend time with family. Both of them are important. No one is more importance than the other.

总评与建议:

1.能在首段表明自己的观点,很好。但接着说了several reasons,后面却只有一个。

2.第二段说,花更多的时间和家人一起,有益于身心健康,这个论点也很好。但是后面却集中在了孩子的成长上,有跑偏的嫌疑。

3.第三段再一次举例,然后又说到工作为了生活得更好,已经完全跑题了。第四段也是。

4.结论又成了都重要。

整篇显得杂乱且没有扣题,论证也没有围绕论点和观点来。希望能多看范文,学习别人的思路和文章结构,多学习多思考。

5.有尝试着使用比较高级的句型和表达法,值得保持,但要学会如何正确地使用。

参考论点:

为什么说工作重要?

1.有了财富,可以有更好的生活

2.实现自我的价值,赢得社会地位

3.为社会创造价值财富,为国家建设出力

为什么说生活重要?

1.家庭和谐,社会和谐

2.和家人相处,满足人类作为群居动物的需要

3.有益于身体的健康(多花时间运动)

 

文章结构:

1.背景--别人的观点--自己的观点

2.自己最重要的观点--阐述--举例(可选)

3.自己的次要观点--阐述--举例(可选)

4.第二个次要的观点--阐述--举例(可选)

5.结论(可直接点题,可正反一说)


雷哥托福:www.toeflonline.cn; 雷哥托福试听课程详情请咨询:400-1816-180

更多免费批改机会,请添加下方小托君微信

雷哥托福小托君微信号:Toefl1234(下图是二维码,快加我呀)

小托君二维码 .png

上一篇:雷哥托福 陈同学写作批改 下一篇:1v1托福写作精批营来了!名师批改+直播讲解双管齐下!名额有限,手慢无!




雷哥托福>作文精批>雷哥托福刘同学作文批改

雷哥托福刘同学作文批改

2017-12-04 11:09:18 发布 来源: 雷哥托福 4825阅读

What has been the focal spot of the The main public concern is that spend spending time at on work is more significant than spend spending time with family. That spending more time on work than with family has become the main concern of the public. 再写“一些人认为工作更重要”Personally, I do not support this argumentation argument for several reasons.

First and foremost, living in harmony with family members is beneficial to individuals health keeping. 可去掉It is not only for physical health, but also for mental caring. physically and mentally.In during the period of the 去掉children childrens growing up, growth for instance, father helps to build creativity and mother helps to right the view of childrens lives.?孩子的是三观?

Taking the relationship of parents and children as an example, children need support and guidance from their parents, but since parents work all and children spend most of the day at school, families spend very little time together. When we sink into the storm of busy work, we usually ignore the original objectives why we go to work. Spending time at work means that people could have a huge house, plenty of food, beautiful clothes and high quality life style, 高品质的生活方式?and all the stuff is provided for our families in order to to gain better lives. It is true that spend time at work is important one.

There are several individuals say that we need work hard and try to acquire high paid job now, then we could save up money for an abundant retirement 一个丰富的退休?and least much time to accompany our families. But things sometimes going go into a dramatically way we could never imagine. We are not sure whether our parents are on the world 。。。。。after we retired. Also, we do not know our children whether stay with us.

On the contrary, we could not afford the education for our children and many other resources of spend time at work and spend time with family. Both of them are important. No one is more importance than the other.

总评与建议:

1.能在首段表明自己的观点,很好。但接着说了several reasons,后面却只有一个。

2.第二段说,花更多的时间和家人一起,有益于身心健康,这个论点也很好。但是后面却集中在了孩子的成长上,有跑偏的嫌疑。

3.第三段再一次举例,然后又说到工作为了生活得更好,已经完全跑题了。第四段也是。

4.结论又成了都重要。

整篇显得杂乱且没有扣题,论证也没有围绕论点和观点来。希望能多看范文,学习别人的思路和文章结构,多学习多思考。

5.有尝试着使用比较高级的句型和表达法,值得保持,但要学会如何正确地使用。

参考论点:

为什么说工作重要?

1.有了财富,可以有更好的生活

2.实现自我的价值,赢得社会地位

3.为社会创造价值财富,为国家建设出力

为什么说生活重要?

1.家庭和谐,社会和谐

2.和家人相处,满足人类作为群居动物的需要

3.有益于身体的健康(多花时间运动)

 

文章结构:

1.背景--别人的观点--自己的观点

2.自己最重要的观点--阐述--举例(可选)

3.自己的次要观点--阐述--举例(可选)

4.第二个次要的观点--阐述--举例(可选)

5.结论(可直接点题,可正反一说)


雷哥托福:www.toeflonline.cn; 雷哥托福试听课程详情请咨询:400-1816-180

更多免费批改机会,请添加下方小托君微信

雷哥托福小托君微信号:Toefl1234(下图是二维码,快加我呀)

小托君二维码 .png

上一篇:雷哥托福 陈同学写作批改

下一篇:1v1托福写作精批营来了!名师批改+直播讲解双管齐下!名额有限,手慢无!

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